Motherhood, becoming

Earlier this week, I sanitised baby bottles the first time by boiling them in my soup pot, then carefully laying out the components one by one like they were made of fragile crystals. All my life I have felt at ease building LEGOs and puzzles, but this, this was pure panic. How was one supposed to assemble these alien looking parts? Not to mention working up the courage to vampire one’s own boobs regularly from now on.

These are the type of mini wake up calls one get for entering motherhood. Or maybe it’s just me?

Everyone will tell you motherhood is a journey, and it is. Instead of obvious level-up’s, the transformation is gradual, consisting of tiny moments that challenge the way you see the world, the way you prioritise things, the way you renew your identity, and the perspectives that this little life brings to your relationships. Becoming a mother is like joining the most ancient and bonding tribe of human kind, yet the road to travel may be lonely, for it is unique for each and every one of us.

As I embark on this epic journey full of beginnings, my lack of experience is accompanied by endless questions and “hmm..” moments:

Stuff. Starting with the complete alien realm of need-to-have gears, equipments, garments, tools, and guides… it’s not A science, it’s a whole new Universe. My insecurities as a first-time parent is gladly being taken advantage by the global capitalism. Yes, please take my money and reassure me that I love my child.

Time. New units for measurement and use of breaks; milestones one after another; development goals by weeks. It’s a whole new game of evaluation, both for this new life as well as for me. The self-inflicted pressure to ensure your child’s development is on track is real. How does one balance the need for rest with the constant pressure to engage for progress?

Relationships. Hurray for the new found camaraderie with other mothers on shared experiences, yet the change in priorities and life demands also bring about the inevitable distance with one’s childless relationships. I am optimistic despite the hurdles we face. Kudos to those who manage to stay close with their friends before children. This also makes me wonder- What does it take to maintain one’s support system and source of inspiration? How do we ensure nourish connections and healthy relationships in times of change?

Self-grace. Being thrown into the most important role with little or no prior training, self-doubt and anxieties often plague decision making. Especially in today’s world where media platforms are flooded with so-called expert opinions and algorithms target your feeds for the next necessary purchase, new moms are not in lack of information, but rather overwhelmed with contradicting advice and guidance (“I found three perfect bed-time routines on reels, got to save it for later.”) When the need of performing and perfectionism are suffocating, how does one practice self-grace?

I don’t have answers for these questions, yet. But this is a humbling beginning, and I am hoping the coming months (or years) will show me what it takes to get there. The road is long, there is work to be done. I wonder what kind of mother I will be?